Mimosa Mom

As I watch the video over and over.

I can’t help but wonder 

Why I feel 

Nothing. 

No reaction. 

No sadness. 

No fear. 

No anger. 

Is it because this human literally advocated in support for the weapon that killed him? 

Is it because it was spoken that a few deaths is the price to pay to protect the right to bear? 

Is it because it happened the day before the anniversary of witnessing thousands of people plummet and be crushed to their death in seconds? 

Is it because I watched the national coverage of two teenagers who murdered classmates on my 10th birthday? 

Is it because early websites provided access to scarlet colored gore and uncensored content without restrictions? 

Numb. 

I felt numb. 

But then I started to feel outrage. 

Anger. 

Frustration. 

That this man was immediately elevated to sainthood 

Presented as an honorable father and partner 

But also shrugged off the loss of innocent children to protect the very thing that ended their lives. 

That during the coverage of this murder we had to flash to another act of violence behind spinning lead. 

That my social media was flooded by people who shared extreme empathy

But would never receive the same respect from him. 

Confusion. 

What made this man so important? 

He was

Ignorant 

Arrogant 

Privileged 

Selfish 

Disrespect 

And historically rude. 

But all I’m seeing is what a 

Family man 

Kind man 

Smart man

Humble man

He was. 

What a bright light for the future of this country! 

A light? 

A torch? 

A torch ready to burn down 

Women’s rights 

LGBTQ rights 

Immigration rights 

Civil rights 

Progress 

Patience 

Kindness 

I’ve watched videos of this man speak to people people. 

Brave

Brave might be the best word. 

But not brave because he’s doing anything important. 

Brave because he didn’t understand the permanent damage of his words. 

And at the end of his life, his wife and kids were watching. 

The world was watching. 

Over and over. 

And so many of us didn’t flinch. 

Why? 

We had reference of the spoken words that permanently damaged his reputation. 

His final words spoken with false narratives. 

The comparison of another politically charged murder of an American couple and their pup that was ignored by those in power just months before. 

The videos that would play on repeat of silver birds flying into tall buildings and people jumping stories to their deaths to get away from the fires. 

The imagery was a harrowing reminder that elementary school students have had to wash the same amount of spatter off their adolescent cheeks. 

His kids no longer have a dad. 

George Floyd 

Eric Garner 

Melissa Hortman 

203 students, educators, and other individuals on K-12 campuses

Concert goers 

College students

Parents. 

Children. 

No longer have a pulse.

No longer have a tomorrow. 

No longer come home. 

No longer give hugs. 

No longer answer phone calls. 

Excuse me for not being immediately sympathetic 

In a world that will only share empathy if you align with whom they believe deserves it. 

As I watch the video over and over 

Longing to feel something besides 

Outrage 

Exhaustion 

Frustration 

Emptiness 

Numb.